White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
