at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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