Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
