you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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