I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
