can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
