just come out here and I will go home with you...
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
