Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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