I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
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