I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
