Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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