I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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