pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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