im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
