I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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