im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
