I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
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