please come you make the beer taste better
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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