Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
