I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
