the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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