He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
