The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
