Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
