If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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