Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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