when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
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he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
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That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?