I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard