I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit