stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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