I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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