I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
