I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
