I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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