i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
