It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
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