Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize