you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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