Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
