Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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