I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Randomize
