You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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