I can't breathe out the right side of my face
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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