Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
