I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
