Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
