come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
