Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
