I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
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he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
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Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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