Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Randomize
