I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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