Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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