i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
