The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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