Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
