Swine flu is the new snow day.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
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