I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
