Michael Bay diarrhea
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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