i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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