I'd wear matching sweaters with you
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
