hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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