dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
