I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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