I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
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Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
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Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
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