The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
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all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
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I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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