I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
